Thank U, Next: An Open Letter to My Ex

Dear Someone Who I Never Knew,

I’ve spent countless days grinning. Grinning at the thought that I was still somebody without you. Thinking about how to plot my revenge. How I was going to just, slide into your DMs just to show you that I’m better now. I’ve lost weight. And it looks like you’ve gained. I’ve got a better job. And you’re still in the same place.

ex boyfriend

I know that you’re still hanging on to whatever thread you have left. Because if you’re the same, you still require a body to keep you warm. You can’t be alone because it’s just too….lonely. So you throw yourself into that same cycle of needing someone next to you, but completely ignoring their humanity.

I think about these things because of the times you said I was a bitch. Up until you no man had ever even so much as slid a b- sound in front of my name. You said I was too young, too dumb and untrustworthy. I wasn’t attractive enough. I couldn’t be better without your help. I wasn’t worth putting in the extra effort. You just needed me….there.

We fist fought. Because the only language you understood was these hands. You were deaf. Deaf to that little voice that just wanted to be your equal. Deaf to that voice that wanted to be understood.

But as I am writing this, I feel my grin start to fade at why I am even writing this. Revenge. All that “wish you well” stuff, I don’t believe in that. I don’t wish you well. I wish you change.

I will thank you though. Thank you for showing me my weaknesses and strengths. Showing me this forced me to change how I view relationships. Thank you for showing me where a failed and where I succeeded.

I know I have more room to grow. When I no longer feel the need to plot revenge. When it no longer matters what you’re doing and where. Whether your well or ill. That’s when I will know, that I am better. When the person who I never knew truly becomes who I never knew.